Thoughts on 30

My birthday is this weekend, and I guess you could say it’s a big one. I’m turning 29 again for the very first time, so I suppose it’s kind of a big deal.

Joking aside, 29 version 2.0 really gets you thinking. It hits me like the lyrics of that Fleetwood Mac song, but time makes you bolder, even children get older… and I’m getting older, too.

And I’m getting older, too… it’s the afterthought of that lyric that always gets me, because that’s how my own aging always hits me. It’s secondary; it only exists in relation to the aging of those around me, which I have far more feelings about than my own mortality. My daughter growing bigger, smarter, and more independent literally before my very eyes, seemingly second to second. The reality of more and more people my age saying goodbye to their parents. Fewer weddings, more divorces.

I don’t feel old; except for when I do, of course, but even then, it doesn’t really bother me. If my grandma taught me anything, it’s that age is just a number, and I believe that to my core. I’m not sad about saying goodbye to my 20’s; although they brought endless amounts of growth and joy into my life and were infinitely better than those fucking teen years, I won’t miss the nagging feeling of uncertainty and self-doubt that accompanied them.

I can’t explain it, but 30 feels right for me. 30 feels like it suits me; it’s already comfortable. I feel more myself than I’ve ever been, even though I have so much I want and need to work on.

My weight is at the highest it has ever been and I need to take back control of my health, but I still look at my daughter every day and know without doubt that I have never felt more beautiful than I do now as her mother. My career careened into a brick wall not once, not twice, but three times over before I finally took the hint and pivoted, and while I’m finally doing something I’m good at, enjoy, and am respected for, I’m not even almost where I thought I would be professionally and financially at 30 years old.

These — inconsistencies? contradictions? — aren’t so hard for me to resolve at 30. I both am who I am and am who I am becoming at 30. I’m not quite middle-aged, but I’m close enough to get the vibe, and I’m confident I’ll look back at these next 10 years as the single best decade of my whole life because I get to watch my daughter grow and enjoy being completely immersed in what this life is all about. That’s 30. It’s gonna be great.


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