Do you ever feel as though nothing you do is ever good enough — for anyone, ever? That’s pretty much how I’ve been feeling through the course of the new year — it’s already March, which is… unfathomable.
I’ve really been feeling as though it’s never enough. Ever. No matter how many weekends I spend trying to pick up, declutter, deep clean, and regain control of my home, a week of working full-time from home with a toddler in tow runs the house through the tumble cycle and leaves everything, everything sticky.
No matter how many nights I stay up late “getting caught up” at work after somehow always managing never to work enough, clean enough, or spend enough quality time with my kid or my husband, I’m still always playing catch up the next day, and then the next.
No matter how hard I try to be patient and extend grace to the people around me, I can feel my muscles tighten, my jaw clench, my exasperation welling up into a heaving sigh — why is everyone so fucking needy and demanding?
The weight of all these expectations is slowly sinking me. On my very best days, I feel as though I’m barely treading water — and even then, people will actually look me square in the eyes and say, “do you really think you’re doing all you can?”
And the anxiety-riddled, perfection-seeking control freak in me screams YOU’RE NOT!
You’re not even almost living up to your potential. You’re slacking. You’re doing it all wrong.
Take more pictures. Stay present. Be focused. Lose more weight. Drink less pop. Take better care of yourself. Be an engaged parent. Decrease screen time. Make more money. Ditch your vices. Clean your house. Redecorate. Smell the roses. Hustle harder. Relax. Take some me time. Stay connected to your husband. Get out of debt. Save money. Don’t forget to pay the bills, change the oil in the van, pick up your meds from the pharmacy, give the cat his medicine. Decompress. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Live big. Miss nothing. Don’t blink. It’s all going so fast, are you sure you’re tuned in?
It’s all so much. The noise. The pressure.
Trying to live life by design — trying to live intentionally, with purpose and passion — I guess no one said it would be easy. Trying to become a
better more refined version of yourself is tough. Uncomfortable. Maybe painful, even.